Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
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I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
If you know, you know
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy