The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?