There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
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Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.