[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
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god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle