kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
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Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Just so funny
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.