I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
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Ooh I do like a good funnel
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Remember folks 😂
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.