My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
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Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now