Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
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“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
mumsnet is amazing
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
#merica
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Order here:
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why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.