i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
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My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
they split up moments later
Godspeed, John Glenn
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I saw this ending much differently.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
What do you hear?
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]