Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
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7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Peace was never an option
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
when you don’t want to be too vague
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me