I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
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It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*