[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
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“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Namaste
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.