My mother’s maiden name is Password.
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tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Finally, a door that understands me
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
me doing my best
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.