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When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”