I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
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8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.