i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
You Might Also Like
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My time has come.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.