Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
You Might Also Like
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Introverted vegans go meetless
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
At least my masseuse has my back.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”