Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
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her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.