“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
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fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Cake safety first. Always.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE