Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
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The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Looking at you, Jesus.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry