Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
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I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.