“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
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I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?