I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
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I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila