i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
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I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Sell your car
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex