*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
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I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white