Omg 🤣
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Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.