smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
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For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.