I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
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[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
It do be feeling this way.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 馃檪
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
HER: [parallel parking] i鈥檓 so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it鈥檚 not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 馃ス
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
son: Where鈥檚 mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would