8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
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two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
A family that plays together cheats.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe