Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
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Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
This January has 47 Mondays
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders