Who does Amazon think I am?
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Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter