can you read it!!??
maan!
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Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Oh my god
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Oh my God.
Pigeon open mic night.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
new year update: losing everything but weight
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”