Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
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What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing