If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
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Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
When you’re here for the treats.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti