*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
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Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening