Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
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Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.