Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
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guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
🤣🤣
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
🍞🦆
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-