me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.