My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
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One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane