*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
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I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I think I’m having a stroke
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good