Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
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Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe