Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
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Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.