i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
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Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.