Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
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Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake