I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
You Might Also Like
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Stop sending me this shit.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”