[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
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Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Love this one 馃槀馃
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let鈥檚 get one so we can talk to you later.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn鈥檛 believe he鈥檇 even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I鈥檇 see him in a week
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I鈥檓 learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she鈥檚 the fifth one
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
pilot: we鈥檙e about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we鈥檙e gonna run into this church
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 馃檹
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That鈥檚 an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That鈥檚 a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That鈥檚 India.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
COP: let鈥檚 see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain鈥檛 gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten