Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
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You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day