My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.