“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
You Might Also Like
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.