DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
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Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’